Two days later I wrote, “This is horrible. B really wants to leave Lourdes’s house and go home, and I have no business taking her. How am I going to get through this? I can see how hard it is for Lourdes to care for her, and she’s only into her third week. It’s been six years for me. I have to rise above these thoughts. Otherwise, I will either be dead or take on the traits of the disease. Neither is acceptable.”

My emotions were all over the place.  My mother had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and I was still reeling from the shock and the clarity that diagnosis brought. I loved my mother and I wanted to help her.

My journal was a lifesaver before and after the diagnosis. It let me vent, analyze, and find hope. It never argued or interrupted. It listened unconditionally, which gave me the space to process events and my reactions to them.

Why should caregivers journal? Writing gives perspective and restores sanity. Writing is a lifeline as well as a record. Writing saves lives. Do not underestimate its power.

What do you do if you have nothing to say?

Look around the room for an image or a sensory detail—the way the sun makes a path on the carpet, the way steam rises off a cup of coffee, carrying the aroma of morning with it. Listen to the high pitched whirring of an omnipresent machine, the tick of the kitchen’s black-and-white, kitty-cat clock—any image at all.

What do you do if you can’t get started? Sentence starts like those listed here can help.

Today I feel…

No one knows I worry about…

I don’t like to brag but…

I lust after…

Next time…

What if…

Pick a sentence start and finish it. Write another sentence. Voila! You are journaling.

Where can you find sentence starts?

There are over 200 in You Want Me to Do What? Journaling for Caregivers. I wrote the book once I realized how lucky I was to have a journal that helped me process my “stuff.”

You might be thinking that only writers can journal. Wrong! A writer is someone who writes. That can be you.

After she got her copy, Joanne Padley, writer and staff member at the State University of NY at Buffalo said, “What a good idea the book is.  I’m sure it will help me sort things out as well as serving as a good reference book and one day, a good remembrance.”

She’s right. According to Marilyn, who wrote in one of my workshops, “Writing from the heart seems to be all that is needed.”

Want to start right now? Finish the sentence, “Today I feel…” and keep going. Go wherever the writing takes you. Get your story, your nuances, your frustrations, your hopes, and your love on the page. Your story is buried treasure.

+++

B. Lynn Goodwin is the owner of Writer Advice, www.writeradvice.com and the author of You Want Me to Do What? Journaling for Caregivers. Order it from Amazon or at http://www.writeradvice.com/ywmtdw.html. You’ll also find more information about journaling, workshops, and the author there.

Consequently, here’s the question: Have you had The Big Talk, the one about “getting old,” or “future plans?” Probably not: A recent study by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) found that two-thirds of us Boomers haven’t. The AARP claims that it’s because we don’t know what information our parents need or where to go to find it. Just as likely, though, we’ve put off having The Big Talk because it’s too uncomfortable.
Getting started. Many of our parents have recent and unpleasant memories of the difficulties that friends or relatives have had in this situation. Maybe it was the elderly cousin whose health precipitously deteriorated and required the nieces and nephews to scramble to get him into eldercare. Perhaps it was the neighbor who broke her hip and her son in Australia had to take a month away from work to solve the problem without any guidance.
Considering the situation as a necessary conversation for your own piece of mind is essential. The family—not just the parent, but also you, your spouse, your siblings and the extended family—shares this challenge. This approach broadens the focus of the discussion and preserves Mom’s or Dad’s dignity.
Newspaper or magazine articles can be used to start the conversation. We are usually able to find a related letter in a “Dear Abby” or other advice column in our local paper. You might begin like this: “Gee, Dad, I don’t know anything about what you’d want me to do if you’re unable to live at home. I’d feel a lot better if you would tell me, so I won’t have to guess.”

Now that you’ve got the conversation underway, what are the questions you’ll want to ask to prepare for the housing transition? Let’s start by examining the elder’s current living situation.

• “Mom, do you want to live here as long as you can? Are there some improvements to your house we should make so this will be possible?”
• “I’ve noticed that you are a little tired lately, Dad. Would you like to have someone help you with some things around the house?”
• “Is senior living of something you might consider in the future? What arrangements would you like us to make?”
• “I know you love your home, but even with the kids mowing the lawn and taking you shopping, are the other chores more work than you want to tackle these days? What would you think about moving into a more manageable place—a condo or a smaller apartment–at some point?”
• “When you feel living at home is no longer a good option for you, would you want to live with me, or someone else in the family? Would some form of senior housing be an acceptable option for you? What do you know about senior housing–say, assisted living–and those kinds of options? Maybe we could make a list of the things that are most important to you and see if we could find a good match. Does that sound like a good idea?”
• “Could somebody in the family begin to find out about senior housing facilities that might be a possibility for you in the future? How would you like to go about it? Have any of your friends moved into senior housing that they really liked?” Or, “When you have visited friends in their senior communities, have any of those facilities appealed to you?”

Turning to questions about health:

• “Dad, do you find you still have the energy to do the shopping, prepare meals, do laundry and personal care, and still continue to keep up the house and yard?”
• “Do you feel comfortable driving or taking public transportation to do the things you need to do?”
• “Are you finding it difficult to get up and down the stairs, get to the bathroom, and pick up the mail and your newspaper?”
• “Are you having any trouble doing the exercises your doctor has recommended? Are you remembering to take your medications?”
• “Would you be willing to let us talk with your doctors about your health? Could we go with you to your next doctor’s appointment to find out more about your medications and any problems you’re having?”
• “Have you made any decisions about the kind of medical care you may want in the future? Would you want someone else to make these decisions for you if you are unable to do so for yourself?
• “What are your thoughts about assistive devices—ventilators, feeding tubes, for example—to keep you alive?
• “Do you have records of the decisions you’ve made? Where do you keep them?”

Next Steps.

Hopefully, The Big Talk has gone reasonably well. Mom and/or Dad has been willing to talk, perhaps hesitantly, and you’ve made some progress in finding out about their current and long-term housing needs and preferences, as well as some health and related issues that will factor into these decisions.