Two days later I wrote, “This is horrible. B really wants to leave Lourdes’s house and go home, and I have no business taking her. How am I going to get through this? I can see how hard it is for Lourdes to care for her, and she’s only into her third week. It’s been six years for me. I have to rise above these thoughts. Otherwise, I will either be dead or take on the traits of the disease. Neither is acceptable.”

My emotions were all over the place.  My mother had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and I was still reeling from the shock and the clarity that diagnosis brought. I loved my mother and I wanted to help her.

My journal was a lifesaver before and after the diagnosis. It let me vent, analyze, and find hope. It never argued or interrupted. It listened unconditionally, which gave me the space to process events and my reactions to them.

Why should caregivers journal? Writing gives perspective and restores sanity. Writing is a lifeline as well as a record. Writing saves lives. Do not underestimate its power.

What do you do if you have nothing to say?

Look around the room for an image or a sensory detail—the way the sun makes a path on the carpet, the way steam rises off a cup of coffee, carrying the aroma of morning with it. Listen to the high pitched whirring of an omnipresent machine, the tick of the kitchen’s black-and-white, kitty-cat clock—any image at all.

What do you do if you can’t get started? Sentence starts like those listed here can help.

Today I feel…

No one knows I worry about…

I don’t like to brag but…

I lust after…

Next time…

What if…

Pick a sentence start and finish it. Write another sentence. Voila! You are journaling.

Where can you find sentence starts?

There are over 200 in You Want Me to Do What? Journaling for Caregivers. I wrote the book once I realized how lucky I was to have a journal that helped me process my “stuff.”

You might be thinking that only writers can journal. Wrong! A writer is someone who writes. That can be you.

After she got her copy, Joanne Padley, writer and staff member at the State University of NY at Buffalo said, “What a good idea the book is.  I’m sure it will help me sort things out as well as serving as a good reference book and one day, a good remembrance.”

She’s right. According to Marilyn, who wrote in one of my workshops, “Writing from the heart seems to be all that is needed.”

Want to start right now? Finish the sentence, “Today I feel…” and keep going. Go wherever the writing takes you. Get your story, your nuances, your frustrations, your hopes, and your love on the page. Your story is buried treasure.

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B. Lynn Goodwin is the owner of Writer Advice, www.writeradvice.com and the author of You Want Me to Do What? Journaling for Caregivers. Order it from Amazon or at http://www.writeradvice.com/ywmtdw.html. You’ll also find more information about journaling, workshops, and the author there.

Consequently, here’s the question: Have you had The Big Talk, the one about “getting old,” or “future plans?” Probably not: A recent study by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) found that two-thirds of us Boomers haven’t. The AARP claims that it’s because we don’t know what information our parents need or where to go to find it. Just as likely, though, we’ve put off having The Big Talk because it’s too uncomfortable.
Getting started. Many of our parents have recent and unpleasant memories of the difficulties that friends or relatives have had in this situation. Maybe it was the elderly cousin whose health precipitously deteriorated and required the nieces and nephews to scramble to get him into eldercare. Perhaps it was the neighbor who broke her hip and her son in Australia had to take a month away from work to solve the problem without any guidance.
Considering the situation as a necessary conversation for your own piece of mind is essential. The family—not just the parent, but also you, your spouse, your siblings and the extended family—shares this challenge. This approach broadens the focus of the discussion and preserves Mom’s or Dad’s dignity.
Newspaper or magazine articles can be used to start the conversation. We are usually able to find a related letter in a “Dear Abby” or other advice column in our local paper. You might begin like this: “Gee, Dad, I don’t know anything about what you’d want me to do if you’re unable to live at home. I’d feel a lot better if you would tell me, so I won’t have to guess.”

Now that you’ve got the conversation underway, what are the questions you’ll want to ask to prepare for the housing transition? Let’s start by examining the elder’s current living situation.

• “Mom, do you want to live here as long as you can? Are there some improvements to your house we should make so this will be possible?”
• “I’ve noticed that you are a little tired lately, Dad. Would you like to have someone help you with some things around the house?”
• “Is senior living of something you might consider in the future? What arrangements would you like us to make?”
• “I know you love your home, but even with the kids mowing the lawn and taking you shopping, are the other chores more work than you want to tackle these days? What would you think about moving into a more manageable place—a condo or a smaller apartment–at some point?”
• “When you feel living at home is no longer a good option for you, would you want to live with me, or someone else in the family? Would some form of senior housing be an acceptable option for you? What do you know about senior housing–say, assisted living–and those kinds of options? Maybe we could make a list of the things that are most important to you and see if we could find a good match. Does that sound like a good idea?”
• “Could somebody in the family begin to find out about senior housing facilities that might be a possibility for you in the future? How would you like to go about it? Have any of your friends moved into senior housing that they really liked?” Or, “When you have visited friends in their senior communities, have any of those facilities appealed to you?”

Turning to questions about health:

• “Dad, do you find you still have the energy to do the shopping, prepare meals, do laundry and personal care, and still continue to keep up the house and yard?”
• “Do you feel comfortable driving or taking public transportation to do the things you need to do?”
• “Are you finding it difficult to get up and down the stairs, get to the bathroom, and pick up the mail and your newspaper?”
• “Are you having any trouble doing the exercises your doctor has recommended? Are you remembering to take your medications?”
• “Would you be willing to let us talk with your doctors about your health? Could we go with you to your next doctor’s appointment to find out more about your medications and any problems you’re having?”
• “Have you made any decisions about the kind of medical care you may want in the future? Would you want someone else to make these decisions for you if you are unable to do so for yourself?
• “What are your thoughts about assistive devices—ventilators, feeding tubes, for example—to keep you alive?
• “Do you have records of the decisions you’ve made? Where do you keep them?”

Next Steps.

Hopefully, The Big Talk has gone reasonably well. Mom and/or Dad has been willing to talk, perhaps hesitantly, and you’ve made some progress in finding out about their current and long-term housing needs and preferences, as well as some health and related issues that will factor into these decisions.

Life with a parent before the diagnosis will never be the same as after, but may be even better.  As you work through finding ways to spend enjoyable time together, you will learn more and more about that parent, discovering aspects of his or her personality that were previously buried in the parent/child relationship.

Because dementia is a progressive condition and the senior’s abilities will change, it is important to enjoy this time of friendship building and discovery with the senior.

Crossword Puzzles or Word Searches with assistance/cueing- Word finding, word recognition and similar functions may be areas of difficulty in persons with early dementia, so activities that involve words are not just helpful but offer the senior a sense of pride and accomplishment.  An example might be asking the person a 4 letter word for paid employment, then cueing by saying “When you left the house in the morning to go the store, you were going to ______” .  Provide similar clues till the individual “gets” the answer.

Exercise – depending upon the physical limitations and abilities of the senior, exercise can be a brisk walk, a seated exercise sequence such as those seen on television, or even some form of housework, with assistance or guidance.  Exercise will help elevate mood, as sadness often accompanies the diagnosis of dementia.  Walk and talk is one of my favorites, offering an opportunity to tune in to the surroundings, such as noticing the colours of the trees and bushes, the birds, while engaging in exercise.

Music- listening to appropriate music is important, as it helps with long term memory, word recognition and elicits emotional responses.  Music can elevate mood, and can also help with the grieving process (many seniors go through a kind of grieving at some point during early dementia, as this diagnosis most assuredly signifies a loss for the senior that he or she fully recognises).  Helping the senior reminisce about earlier times, feelings, and life experiences can be a wonderful shared experience.

Easy Card Games & Board Games- even seniors who were not game players in earlier years will often agree to engage in games such as Tile Rummy ( great for sequencing, number recognition and eye/hand coordination) Scrabble ( simplified and with verbal/ physical cueing) Whist, Uno, Sorry, Yahtzee, Dominoes, and similar activities.   Any of these games can still be played, with adaptations (remember the crossword puzzle clues?) to provide success and enjoyment for the senior.

Kitchen Activities- if the senior is no longer able to safely bake, the helper can bake a cake or cookies, and make an activity out of decorating.  An assessment by occupational therapist will determine which kitchen tasks the senior can safely engage in and which must be supervised.

The activities mentioned are just a minute sampling of activities suitable for those with early dementia and ways to adapt the activity to the senior.

Individuals with early dementia retain many of their previous abilities and interests and are able to enjoy success with some helpful cueing, direction and guidance.   Some people will respond better to demonstration, as opposed to verbal instruction.  Some will respond better to pictures than words.

The idea is to experiment with the activities the senior already knows and loves and find the best way for that activity to be enjoyed with success.  It is better to make it too simple at first and modify upwards than to make it too difficult.  Those with early dementia should be given failure proof activities. We, the caregivers, just need to help them find the way to success.

Hollywood’s message was clear. Young, silly kids were in fashion; most adults were just too boring to bother with. And the mature, over-50 crowd? Forget it.

Thankfully, Tinseltown has recently figured out what the rest of the world already knows – that those of us over 50 are alive and well and living life to the fullest. Movie audiences have come of age. These days we want to see real characters like ourselves who are complex and interesting. No more vapid girls who can do nothing but scream for help. No more boys who can’t face anything bigger than a mouse unless they are carrying weapons of mass destruction. We want to see characters who have guts and smarts and intuition. If those characters sometimes have grey hair, so much the better! That only makes them more believable.

What a treat it is to experience some of the truly vibrant characters who have been created for movies lately. These characters are exciting not despite their age, but because of it. We’ve seen some fabulous folks who prove that reaching 50 doesn’t mean the end of romance, fun, sex, friendship or adventure. Whatever the kids can do, we can do better!

These characters truly make their fifties – and beyond – look fantastic. You’ll remember each of them long after the credits have rolled. Here, in no particular order, are five irresistible over-50 characters from recent hit movies that I’d love to spend an afternoon with:

Professor Emily Appleton (Helen Mirrin) in National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets (adventure, 2007). Emily is independent and smart as a whip. She doesn’t buckle under pressure. One day she’s busy translating ancient languages in her university office and the next she’s swept, kicking and screaming, into a deadly adventure by her son (Nicolas Cage). Along the way we find out that this perfectly poised lady is as human as the rest of us. Sure enough, when her hopeless but oddly adorable ex-husband (Jon Voight) stumbles back into her life unexpectedly, she gives him a verbal butt-whipping for causing the end of their marriage 30 years earlier. Well, wouldn’t we all, given the chance? This bundle of energy knows how to stand up for herself but doesn’t have anything to prove. Emily isn’t so hardened that she can’t let her tough edges rub off when she wants them to.

Chief (Alan Arkin) in Get Smart (action/comedy, 2008). He’s comfortable being in charge of an eclectic mob of prima donnas, wanna-bes and computer geeks. He’s resourceful, confident and loyal. And boy, can he stay calm in the face of a crisis! Except of course, when he gives a well-deserved attitude adjustment to an arrogant whippersnapper who calls him “old-timer”. The Chief is all about leadership and the all-around street smarts that come with life experience. He shows the world that sure, he knows how to use cutting-edge techno-toys to fight crime (wait till you see him fly that plane through downtown), but he relies most on good old-fashioned intuition. The Chief is definitely in his prime. Men just don’t get sexier than this.

Bernadette (Kathy Baker) in The Jane Austen Book Club (comedy/drama, 2007). Bernadette is a pied piper for people who even don’t know they need help. She isn’t a psychologist or therapist but could sure give those professionals a run for their money. Somehow she has figured out how to get people to help themselves and each other without them ever catching on that she had anything to do with it. Who would have thought that a club set up to talk about chick lit was really life coaching in disguise? Bernadette’s real magic is that she does all of this without being drained by it in any way. Let’s face it, being a cross between Santa Claus and Dr. Phil must be exhausting, but she continues to bang out those life lessons without so much as mussing her makeup. She’s so serene about everything that just watching her on the screen will lower your blood pressure. Nurturing as Bernadette is, she’s still one hot, passionate mama, and surprises everyone by finding true love – again.

Carter Chambers (Morgan Freeman) in The Bucket List (comedy/drama, 2007). Carter has the family we’d all like to have. His kids are healthy, successful in life and they love their mom and dad. He’s the true parent in all of us; he gave up his own dreams to make sure his kids had every chance in life. He doesn’t regret it one bit but he does sometimes wonder what might have been. Who doesn’t respect a guy who can do that and still be happy? When he finds out that his days are numbered due to cancer, he and his hospital roomie (Jack Nicholson) go on a last-ditch romp. And we’re not talking the kind of romp – beer, frat parties and strippers – that a teenager would go on. Carter and his buddy are no rookies; they’ve been there, done that, years ago and know partying ‘till the cows come home is not what life is all about. They hit the world’s true highlights, from drag racing to mountain climbing. You just might add a few things to your own bucket list once you see the world through Carter’s eyes. He is one dude who made the most of his time.

Janet Widdington (Dame Maggie Smith) in Ladies In Lavender (drama, 2004). Nobody knows how they’ll react to something new and startling until it drops into their lap. Sometimes nothing but maturity keeps us from making all-fired fools of ourselves. Of course, even maturity doesn’t help all the time. When a young cutie-pie of a man washes up on the beach of Janet’s home in Cornwall in 1936, she takes him in to nurse him back to health. Not surprisingly, the hunky amnesiac causes serious ripples in Janet’s previously happy, if somewhat dull, life. Though she and her sister (Judi Dench) are twice his age, they both try to win the cutie-pie’s affection and fend off a young, hot rival. Somebody has to keep her cool in the face of temptation, regret, rivalry, hope, loneliness and nostalgia and that’s our girl Janet.

If these mature characters are the future of cinema, we as movie-goers are in for a huge treat. So grab a friend and a bag of popcorn, and enjoy.